I am a child of two obese parents, and a very strong history of Diabetes Mellitus in my family. I was in a low economic class, and my parents were divorced when I was 5. My mother was a single working mother and so that left me and my older brother to ourselves a lot. By statistical standards, I should have been a teenage pregnancy with no higher education living in the lower economic class.
I chose to defy that standard, and to define my own life. I was blessed with intelligence and used my abilities to get into college and then to further my degrees. I have been able to avoid labels and go against the expected and predicted. I have not allowed my poor, dysfunctional, non-privileged past to define me.
What have I accomplished that I "shouldn't have"? I went on to get a doctoral degree. I got married in my late 20's and then went on to have kids well into my married life. I have not turned to addiction or excuses or help of any kind. There was no trust fund to get me anywhere. There was not even a pair of parents to urge me on. I have to be fair and say that I was never pressured. My mother always said that education was something that could never be taken away and that I just do my best. I'm the one who wanted more.
So, what's the point? Am I attention-seeking? Desperate for acknowledgement? Do I need someone to tell me how great I am? No. It is because despite the success, there is one place that willpower and education has not provided me.
Because there is one area in which I have failed miserably. I am obese. I knew growing up that I was at higher risk for developing obesity due to the fact that both my parents were obese. I knew that the fact that I was pretty much guaranteed to become obese myself meant that I was just a ticking time bomb for developing diabetes. I learned at a very early age to eat whole grains instead of white, process starches. I knew lean meat was better for me than anything else. I know fresh fruit and veggies are superior. Eating healthy is key!
I have followed a healthy eating lifestyle. I have joined weight watchers and quit and joined again and quit again. I have started exercise routines. I don't eat bags of chips or quarts of ice cream. Most of the time, I don't even eat anything "bad" at all.
I started losing my hair in November two years ago. I was put on thyroid medication and it got better for a bit and then last Spring it started coming out in clumps. I was sent to the dermatologist who ended up doing a biopsy of my scalp and the results came back that it was endocrine in nature.
Yesterday, I went to my initial visit with the endocrinologist. She is having some tests run and those will confirm that I likely have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). It means my body is basically overproducing some hormones that make me gain weight without really trying. And the way to fix it? Lose weight.
So, I already eat healthy and I've been working on the exercising but guess what. It's not enough. I have got to lose weight or I will just be fat and bald.
In some ways, it seems really unfair. I want to run and hide because I already eat healthier that MOST people. I exercise some. Not as much as I should but if you've ever been around me then you know I am about the furthest thing from a couch potato that exists. I don't stop moving until I get in the bed and go to sleep. I even have a hard time sitting still to have a conversation. I don't drink to excess (unless it's my 40th birthday) and I don't binge. I want to just gain 20 pounds and have surgery. I want to cry and say that I AM healthy!
But guess what? It's not enough. So now, it is up to me to once again defy the odds and make a change. It is up to me to let this be a challenge, and not to define me. So, I am working towards a new definition.
I am going to need encouragement and not criticism. I am going to need love and not hate. I am going to need conviction and not doubts. I am going to need everything I can get.
I know that this isn't cancer and it isn't lots of horrible things it could be. But, it's really hard to explain to people that you're "just fat" because of your hormones. Sounds like a bunch of BS to me! But, I am and I've got to fight it.
Then I can become defined differently and not let this define me.
